THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE MY COWORKER! JUST AS STUPID TOO!
AAAAHHHH!!! (with subtitles)
attempting to write a cover letter for my resume, dont even know where to begin, need to get it done and printed off soon….so much rides on this, and i am stuck procrastinating. but the boy is asleep and the woman hasnt woken up yet, so i guess right now is the prime time to get things done. already finished a reference list and the resume itself. 2 paragraphs to go…..i hate having to actually organize my thoughts, make cohesive statements and its just not easy, used to think i was a decent writer, then one day i realized i was kidding myself, i make little sense to anyone else, hell i dont even understand the things i do myself. drink caffeine keep going. going. dont crash, dot dash! dim flash! will neecd moneys. i hate moneys, makes everything difficcult, especially since the boy arrived. 9 days with no cig…..desire is swelling and i must fight it, asthma isnt all its cracked up to be.
2.5 weeks left. 3 paychecks. hmmm……. money dwindling too fast, not enough coming in despite overworking hours. get ready for big move, drowning in the big swim, sick dog eyes replaced by insect eyes staring up, blink and unblink. typing while no one listens is refreshing, thoughts cascade out with no structure or rhythm. so many things to do with no will to do them. would rather be having sex. no sex is a soul crusher or rather failed attempts of intimacy is a soul crusher. i will one day die to “in a silent way” and that will be perfect.scared.big things coming. must survive this. desperately needs a cigerette, tho lungs will rebel. perhaps i shall help push my sanity out of this skull with intoxicants tonight. 10hrs of hell coming right up. i miss you lansing. money is terrible, the struggle to get some is destroying me.
finished reading the hunger games trilogy finally. meh. now to decide if i wanna start the dragon tattoo series or read something else…..also watched Battle Royale last night, which was pretty good. Marauder in the mail, should be here tomorrow. moving to lansing soon……..cant wait…..impossible to put effort into current job…..
it has been decided….
that we will be moving. fuck this town, this source of insanity and inhumanity. fuck this job, the way it consumes ur life, allowing u a weekly allowance of time to live, maybe one day each week to spend with loved ones, or simply relax and try to recover from that weeks labors.we will be broke as fuck, no moneynomoneynomoneynomoneynomoneyno. but we can get more, i hope, and a place to stay. my boy needs to be raised somewhere more open minded than this fuckdunk of a town. we have things to work on her and i, and the road wont be easy, but im willing to do whatever it takes to stay with her and keep this family together. i am a perfect example of misery in huymanity, lets hope for hope that leaving this place will bring better tidings..
ps. i need to turn my amp on, throw the sustain all the way on my bigmuff and crush my skull with feedback.
i miss sex.
i miss the marathons i used to be capable of. having a child in the house has made sex into a race to get it done before we get caught, ive become conditioned to be a minuteman. i miss the days of being able to lie in bed all day and have round after round of sex. maybe one day it will get better, i have to tell myself this, cause i have to hold out hope. i love my fiance so fucking much, but our current sexlife is miserable. once a month, maybe twice, is just not enough. i crave being intimate with her, and i know shes self conscious about all the baby weight shes gained, but she doesnt realize how sexy she is. plus working 60ish hrs a week at a physically demanding job, wears me out, i dont have nearly the energy i wish i had. luckily its springtime now, or close enough to not worry about any more snowstorms. maybe i can beat this depression, maybe not. self consciousness about my own body as well, thanks to her telling me how huge her ex was. not that im tiny, but im not hung, ill admit. i feel beaten by life these days. just too many things running thru my head all at once. maybe partying will help….
